My goodness, it seems like no matter how hard I try I find myself still messing up. I know that I’m not perfect I prove that time and time again. It doesn’t matter how hard I try not to stumble, I end up falling. Yet I use all my strength to get back up and try again. Even when I mind my own business and keep on moving on the path that I’m on; it seems that unexpected things continuously keep popping up. I try my best to adjust to what is thrown my way however I have to admit….enough is enough. At times, I just want to throw my hands up and say, the heck with it! I think of myself as someone that goes with the flow for the most part, but when my comfort zone is invaded I definitely become even more resistant and defensive against change. When are things going to finally settle down so things can be semi-normal again? I pray to God to ask him to please lessen my load and relieve some of this weight of the cross that I bear. He does remove some of the weight of the cross but I’m still carrying around a load that is wearing me down. I realize that this is His way of drawing me near to Him. I tend to rely more on Him during struggling times. Trying times and change both lead to growth but it’s not an easy journey to travel. My question is, why so much growth in such a small amount of time? God obviously believes that I need it at this moment. He is God, He doesn’t need to explain His reasoning to me.
I have to confess I’m not very good with change. I get set in my ways and that’s where I feel most comfortable. I resist change as much as I can, even if I’m not always consciously aware that I do that. When I sit down and reflect, I realize that it hinders my growth and is slowing my process to achieving what I ultimately want and desire. I love to learn but to apply what I’ve learned so that I can evolve is what is so difficult. Don’t get me wrong I want to evolve but changing is the scary part that hinders me, probably more than I care to admit. The question is, why am I so afraid of change? Is it because I may be rejected or that I will fail? Or is that I’m afraid of the unknown? I don’t know, I’m still searching for those answers. Being human is not easy and carrying burdens around on a daily basis is draining and exhausting. This is apparently the time that God has chosen for me go through a growing spurt. “To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven….A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted….A time to break down, And a time to build up….A time to embrace, And a time to throw away….A time to gain, And a time to lose.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-3,5-6) This is apparently my time to change and spread my wings so that I may become a little easier to mold. God wants to transform me, I need to learn to allow Him to, instead of fighting the process. I need to learn to be the obedient child that He yearns for me to be, so that I can become the child that He always wanted me to become.
I know that even though I fail in allowing the process to happen; God will not stop trying until I finally stop fighting against change. He will continue to put me into situations until I learn the lesson He’s trying to teach me. No matter how much it frustrates me, drains me, causes me angst and anxiety; He will continue to expose me to the situations that I need to be exposed to in order to transform me. Now if I’m a diligent student I will stop fighting the process. However being human means that I will fail many more times in the future. Thank God for His patience, love and persistence…I would be lost without Him.